Butterflies everywhere….Posted by simon on January 31st, 2009
What is it about life that allows the most random confluences of events to result in some of the most significant changes in people’s lives. Some people call it the “Butterfly Effect” or “Chaos Theory” which states that “a butterfly flapping it’s wings will cause a tornado on the other side of the world”. It’s the idea that the smallest simplest events can lead to huge events.
Lately I feel I’ve stumbled into a long chain of “Butterfly Effects” both in and out of work. This is generating quite a bit of suffering and change in many ways. I can deal with change, what I don’t enjoy is generating suffering for others. If I do something that causes me suffering I have no problem with that as I can remove the suffering once I realize I am suffering and isolate why I am suffering. I try to generate as little suffering as possible since this world has enough of it, without my help.
The question becomes when one generates suffering for others, how do you best mitigate it? The easy answer is to not generate any, the problem with others suffering is it is generally an internal issue. It’s not something you can just “fix”. Normally suffering is generated by expectation, desire and basic needs not being met. If someone is suffering because they are starving that is an easy remedy. If someone is suffering because they hate their current situation and would prefer a different situation that’s another story. People have to want to change their situation. One thing I learned from my experiences with my brother is that you can’t change people. You can’t even help them unless they want your help. So how do you help? You simply be there and live your life in the manner you wish other would live it. Do what you would hope others would do to you and in theory things will be for the best.
At work it seems my job has drastically changed from the job that I once loved dearly and had no problem sacrificing my free time for. This has generated an attitude problem for me. My work quality and quantity is still superb but the demeanor I am doing it in seems to be less then helpful for my coworkers. I attribute this attitude problem to a few things.
#1. I never hear when I have done a good job. All I do is get intense demands and only negative feedback when something is not as desired. Most negative feedback is generated because I was not given enough information and my clairvoyance pants were not working, which results in me making faulty assumptions.
#2. My relationship with one of my Bosses has drastically changed and his general attitude is rather demanding and brash. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. This generally requires me to drop all ego and thoughts and do exactly as commanded immediately. No one loves a backseat driver much less a backseat coder who is yelling at you.
This attitude change seems to have made other people’s jobs a little harder which of course generates more suffering for them. My attitude has lately been focused on the type of work I have been doing. It is in my opinion the team’s grunt work. It is wretchedly simple but the consequences of failure are astronomically high. I had developed the attitude that this was a “waste of my talent” and it was causing me a considerable amount of angst. My being blindly pissed and a prima donna is not Helping anyone.
It’s funny how hard it is to see your problems and once you see them how much easier they become to deal with. Most of my issues revolve around new processes that I viewed as an obstacle to my work rather then a tool for my work. My boss’s attitude is what it is, could it use some work, probably but it shouldn’t be so hard to do what your boss asks when he asks it, especially when there is a production issue.
There was once a time when I barely felt human, where I was little more then the combination of the activities I used to fill my time. Though lately I’m realizing it’s not just the doing of the activities but how they are done. I could write the most brilliant code ever day in day out at work but if I view the work like taking a bite of out a turd sandwich because it is the groups crap work then I’m not doing anyone a favor. The reality is someone needs to do the work and I should be happy as punch to be graced with the opportunity to do it.
As far as the out of work experiences, they are something totally unique in my life and are putting me in situations I would generally advise others to avoid. As to why I have gotten into them, well sometimes life just leads you to a tunnel and you need to see what the light is at then end, even if it is just the train.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman